Nami's Quest
by ni21
Summary: Zoro kinda forgot Robin's birthday so it's time to make up for that. Since he's an idiot with no romantic bone in his body Nami takes it upon herself to organise the perfect date! This can be read as a stand alone oneshot or as a sneak peek into a possible future of Shôganai
1. Chapter 1

Roronoa Zoro was a pirate. Through and through, there was absolutely no denying it. He talked like a pirate, he walked like a pirate and for the longest eye-watering time, he had smelled like a pirate, too… all traits they had come to learn were unfortunately hereditary because his hellspawn was no different. How this man had managed to woo her highly intelligent and sophisticated friend would forever be a mystery to her. An even bigger mystery than the location of Raftel, which really wasn't all that mysterious because said friend was a genius.

Maybe though… maybe she was more of a savant instead of a genius, because clearly she had no idea how to pick a partner. Now obviously she loved the idiot too, but she would never, ever have his babies. Not just because she saw him as a brother, but also because he was a dense fucking idiot that forgot his wife's birthday. How the fuck can you forget a birthday, that was celebrated with a huge party? Sure he had caught on at some point but it really takes a special kind of seaweed headed idiot to fuck up like that. Robin was the mother of his child for fuck's sake! Correction, the mother of his demon spawn… Ill weeds go apace, wasn't that a saying? Yeah, applied to fucking genetics, too. That kid had nothing from it's mother… And yet she, the best aunt in this entire world, would be babysitting today.

For free.

Because Robin deserved romance, and if her oaf of a husband couldn't manage that on his own, obviously she had to pick up the slack.

"Don't make that face, you should be fucking happy I'm not charging you for this advice," she snapped as he warily eyed the tie in his brutish hands.

"I just don't like restrictive clothing, is all," he muttered before reason finally and surprisingly won out and he slunked into the changing booth. Restrictive clothing her ass, he fought in suits all the time! It took him about 5 minutes of cursing before he admitted that he had no idea how to make the knot, which all things considered was a bit strange for a man with his preferences… not that she wanted to think about those!

It always surprised her how nice that boar could clean up and it was moments like these, seeing him all put together in a nice suit, almost combed hair and more or less freshly cleaned that she could kind of understand Robin's fondness for him. Kind of. He did look good in a suit and he was maybe a bit cute with that confused blush on his ears, but holy fucking damn if he opened that mouth of his. She tied the knot on herself before loosening it and shoving it over his head.

"I'm sure Robin would appreciate it if you changed your everyday rags for something nice like this every now and again and not only when we go undercover," she said, ignoring his muttering about not being the damn shitty ero cook, knowing full well that if she humored him now he would find a way to get lost enough to meet Sanji and start a fight. A fight that would not be beneficial for that nice fitted shirt she'd gotten him. Smoothing down the last wrinkles over his chest, she took a deep breath and looked up at him with her most radiant smile.

"If you even think about flexing in this shirt I'll triple your debt," she sang and knew that her dazzling smile had turned into a fairly ugly grin at the sliver of fear that had sparked in his eye. Ha, didn't matter how monstrously strong any of them got, she had all of them under control!

After a minimal amount of haggling she had gotten a 60% discount and they left the shop with a happy bounce in their step. Or she did, but she really didn't care that he was still a grumpy mess despite this awesome bargain. Hand wrapped tightly around his wrist lest he started to think he was capable of walking on his own like a big boy, she stopped to make a decision.

A romantic evening for two didn't only need a clean and clear second party. They'd need dinner and flowers and chocolates… maybe with tangeri- no, this wasn't her perfect date, as evident by the green-haired idiot tugging against her hold, this was Robin's perfect date. So maybe.. coffee? The restaurant she didn't have to worry about, Sanji had that covered, so flowers should be next.

The little bell over the door did a high chime when they pushed in and she instantly knew she had picked the right shop when she saw the youth behind the counter, all pimples and greasy hair and eyes bulging at her tight-fitted leather coat. That boy would give her a nice discount for sure!

Radiant smile in place she stalked up to the counter. "We need a bouquet for his wife, because he's an idiot and just has no love for soft things," she purred, taking special care to squish her boobs between her arms at the word soft and the boy sprang into action instantly, rattling off flower names that she never heard of and neither did Zoro she was sure. So she batted her eyelashes and asked for samples, which were promptly provided. Just as she was about to just give up, because maybe, just maybe she wasn't one for soft things either, and just go with the standard red roses her thoughts were interrupted by a very signature grunt. It might not have sounded any different from all the other undignified noises that man made all day, but she had known his amusement even before she'd turned around to see it sparkling in his eye, lips drawn into one of his wide, mocking grins that always made her hands twitch for her climatact.

"So, miss wooing Romance, you wanna admit that you're just as much a filthy pirate as I am? With no finesse and regard for the finer things in life?" He drawled, getting right in her face. She fucking knew it! Oh how she regretted leaving her weapon on Sunny as a show of goodwill, he really deserved a zapping right fucking now. She was obviously doing her fucking best! For him! His marriage!

But what did he know? He was infinitely worse than her!

"You know Robin doesn't give a damn about this kind of shit, right?"

"Well of course that's what she tells you, wouldn't want to fry your neanderthal brain with expectations, now would she?" She quipped back.

"Um… I could maybe jus-" the boy cut in but was immediately silenced when Zoro focused on him. Just wonderful, she'd had a nice thing going with the boy and now he had to fuck everything up by intimidating him.

"No, take the white ones, do your thing," he grunted and the boy nodded immediately.

"Great choice, sir, Casablanca are often used in wed-"

"Do I look like I give a fuck what you use them for? They suit her, is all. Now hurry the fuck up or that witch won't pay you a single beri."

What the fuck? Had pirate Roronoa Zoro just picked a flower for his wife because… they did suit her, she had to admit. They were elegant, yet kind of sturdy? And the white would be pretty with her dark hair… She looked up at him, faint blush on his nose, brows drawn in annoyance, his arms awkwardly at his sides after few failed attempts of crossing them over his chest in the tight suit. Damn right he better be careful with that!

The boy sent them out with a big bouquet, wrapped in several layers of newspapers to protect the flowers from the cold and with barely a dent in her wallet. He just seemed kind of glad that they had left.

Now, Sanji got the restaurant, Usopp and Franky took care of the cottage, they better did, so all that was left was the chocolate. They found a shop just a bit down the main Street on which Zoro had only tried to turn around twice, which really was a success in itself. Not for the first time she thought about putting him on a leash, but that would probably open a lot of doors that she didn't want to open. And honestly if she gave them a leash it probably wouldn't be him wearing the collar… Whole damn ship was full of fucking perverts… Her hopes for the kid really weren't all that high.

"This is ridiculous, she doesn't even like sweet stuff," he complained as soon as she had pulled him into the shop. Damn barbarian. Ooh they even had little heartshaped boxes for the chocolates! But before she could even calculate her preferred price he had shoved past her, boring rectangular box in hand to give to the pretty redhead behind the counter.

"Just fill it with everything dark and not sweet, so we can be done with this fucking bullshit."

That fucking idiot. Just how did Robin… Just… Just how?

"That bag of cashews, too," he added with a lot less exasperation and a hint of amusement instead… Right, what the fuck was up with the cashews? On long cruises with bad weather and marines Robin was all but addicted to them. She had to admit though, it was nice of him to have picked up on that.

Getting the bargain she wanted proved to be a bit more difficult in this shop since they only used the best ingredients and everything is made by hand and made with great care and love bla bla. Bullshit, Sanji could teach them a thing or two and he worked on a moving boat!

Hand again tightly wrapped around his wrist she lead them back towards the docks.

"So, you will wait right where I leave you, you will not just take a quick look at anything, if there is not a cannonball or an admiral coming, you will not move from the fucking spot until Robin comes down, you got me you meathead?" She asked, tried to emphasize by squeezing his wrist tighter but unfortunately he was basically steel and only muttered something under his breath.

"Speak up, do you understand?"

"Yeah, not moving got it, fine. Whatever."

Good, good. "Perfect. Then you will offer Robin your arm and she will navigate you to the Restaurant Sanji chose for you, then you'll do a moonlight stroll to the outskirts of town, where we'll have two horses waiting for you to take you to the cottage. There you will massage her feet and take a hot bath with her. The sky will be clear today, so after dressing in the thick robes I provided, you will ask her to go stargazing. And then under the moon, with hot mulled wine you will take her in your arms and kiss her tenderly, and you will look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that you love her. Got it?" Of course Robin would love that! It was absolutely perfect! What woman wouldn't love that? She would love that! Not with Zoro, but she would love that, so Robin had to, too!

She left him at the dock, only reminding him not to move a muscle twice, and hoping against hope that the idiot would listen. After getting the map in the kitchen, where both Sanji and Franky had dutifully marked their destinations she found Robin in the library, obviously.

Sunny wasn't big. So really, she didn't have any other choice than to follow Robin to the gangway and it was also completely coincidental, that she sat down on the grass within earshot.

"I see Nami planned a romantic evening for us?" Robin asked and of fucking course she only got a noncommittal grunt back in return. That damn oaf! It made Robin laugh though so maybe not all was lost yet.

"You got me flowers and chocolates, too? You know I don't need stuff like that, right?"

He scoffed, "Tell Nami."

Robin laughed again and it was almost unnerving how happy his grumpiness seemed to make her.

"Well, since she already went through the trouble of organising and offered to watch Tori, how about we make good use of this gift and I'll fly us right to the cottage?"

She wanted to scream, she really, really wanted to scream. And when she heard the heavy flap of wings and saw her friend rise to the sky with several pale limbs holding her husband close she just couldn't help it any more. All her frustration she screamed to high heaven, because these two idiots really, truly deserved each other. All this trouble, all the money and like horny fucking teenagers… Just fucking…. Gaaaaah!

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Comments are greatly appreciated


	2. Chapter 2

**Hallo and welcome back!**  
**Who would have thought that this would get updated, right? Well, I did. I wrote this chapter months ago and was just waiting to pop it!**  
**As for the timeline. This one is set a few days after Tori's birthday party over in Chapter 9 of the The Cockatoo Chronicles if you've read the ao3 version. It's not necessary to read that though, just for your orientation. In case you are not reading Shoganai and all the attached fics to it, you can use my fancy little anchor link to drop out and get right to the end notes before the set-up comes!**

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**It's been a while since Nami's last attempt to romance up Robin's sad, sad love life. We all know Nami isn't a quitter so now she tries again... and maybe, just maybe she'll find out what's up with those damn cashews!**

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She would not give up, she had decided. It didn't matter that last year had gone so wrong, that was to be expected. Freshly baked parents had needs, Franky had insisted. With them constantly focusing on Tori it was no wonder they couldn't calm down and relax, so of course they had used that opportunity to… Enjoy themselves. Fair enough. But now, now they had no excuses whatsoever. Because Tori was old enough to walk and to terrorise all of them so if they should be worried about anybody it should be about the crew and not their little demon spawn. And she knew for a fact that worrying about the crew's mental health had not once deterred them from… That. Meaning all their sexual needs should be taken care of so all Robin needed now was at least some smidgeon of romance in her life with the barbarian. And that's where she came in.

When they'd made land on this wonderful little island and she'd seen the flyers for the midnight opera, she just knew that it was perfect. Of course it was perfect. Concerts were romantic and Robin loved everything literature, so combining both was an absolute win! She'd sent Sanji to find the city's best restaurant and to teach them Robin's favourite dish, just like last time and all that was left for her to do was…. Fucking everything.

Getting flowers, getting chocolates and getting the fucking idiot into a nice suit. At least he was already bathing so she wouldn't have to dunk his filthy ass in herself like last time… What she did not like was that it took him for fucking ever and if she didn't know that the couple had their daughter and Chopper with them she'd have to bleach her eyes now for the mental image that a long bath between the two would evoke otherwise.

Instead she put bleach and disinfectant on her shopping list and carefully tongued against that one tooth that always seemed to act up whenever she saw the small family interact. Who'd have thought that the filthy, dirty, smelly, directionless and utterly dense Roronoa Zoro would ever be responsible for giving her caries? Ugh, not her for sure. But it just was a fact that he was utterly adorable with his daughter; when he let her nap on his chest, thinking nobody would see them in some nook he'd gotten lost in. Or when he insisted on scowling at the girl despite it only making her giggle and clap her filthy hands against his cheeks. Nauseating.

It took another 15 minutes of impatiently tapping her foot until she heard the door of the bath open and a completely unabashed and joyful laughter burst forth.

"Papa fly!"

Ah, she should let Chopper check that tooth… Or maybe just have Law remove it on occasion, surely the surgeon would understand where she was coming from.

"You should let him dress first, Tori, or aunt Nami will get a seizure when you go down," Robin laughed, followed by the panicked call for a doctor from their doctor. If she didn't know better she'd say ther crew's stupidity was rubbing off on Robin but that just wasn't possible… right? But yes, please let him dress.

"Nyam-nyam! Fly Nyam-nyam!"

She was never quite sure how to react to her nickname. She should be happy that Tori didn't call her a witch, really, and at first she'd thought the child had put her mother's incredible brain to work and made the connection with her epithet. But it had turned out it was just a little more elaborate form of the sound she made when she got tasty food, or when she was _pretending_ to eat Jinbei or Brook. This food theme really didn't sit well with her. Luffy had too much influence on her.

Tori's squeal rang through her ears when she was undoubtedly scooped up by her good for nothing father so she could fly down the steps on his shoulder. He jumped the last few and she absolutely hated that she couldn't reprimand him for that like she'd done before because her heart surged at the happy laughter bubbling from his shoulder. The kid ruined all the raising she'd done on the idiot…

She caught her with practiced ease even though she was getting a bit too big for this sort of thing, not that her muscleheaded father would notice that. He just rose a mocking eyebrow at her very unladylike umpf and grinned when thankfully clean hands smacked against her cheeks in greeting. The girl was getting a bit to strong for that shit, too.

"Wipe that stupid grin off your face, you're coming with me today and you damn well better be grateful."

His face fell and she couldn't help her triumphant grin.

"Again?" He asked indignant and if Tori wasn't sitting on her hip she would have definitely smacked him upside the head. Fucking moron. Just because Luffy had impulsively married the two didn't mean he shouldn't try his fucking best to make his wife happy every fucking day of his lost life.

"You know that isn't necessary," Robin chimed in and oh god… Her beautiful and intelligent friend had actually settled for this sad excuse of romance? Had dropped her expectations to the negative? Now even more than ever, it was absolutely necessary!

"Yes it is," she said and put Tori on Chopper in his deer form. "Yes it is," she repeated before hooking her hand in his ridiculous haramaki and dragging him along, basking in the same rush she always got when million beri pirates just accepted that they didn't stand a chance against little old her. He only grumbled and muttered under his breath all the way to the chocolate shop, like a little boy that didn't want to go to visit his grandparents.

This time she was better prepared. She took her time in front of the window to check out the goods before she dragged him in after her so she knew right away what she should get and before he could ruin everything. Swiftly she grabbed the little heart-shaped box from the shelf and handed it the girl behind the counter. "Fill it with everything that has coffee in, and dark chocolate, nothing too sweet, alright?" She ordered and huffed at the amused grunt behind her. "Not a word, Marimo," she warned, but also didn't protest when he tossed a bag of salted cashews on the counter. However… "What's up with those anyway?"

"Reminds her of my cum."

Wha- Tha- Her gaze met the furiously blushing girl's, one delicately crafted piece of chocolate completely smashed between the tweezers she'd used to put them in the box. So she had heard him right tha- Ugh that's it, she'd never eat cashews again. She looked at him, saw the same impassively bored expression on his bland face as always. Nah, he couldn't have said that.

"What's up with those anyways?"

He shrugged. "She just likes them."

Right. Right. She turned back to the girl who still stared at him wide eyed.

"Well, move it, missy, we ain't got all day," she barked. "Honestly, wasting that much time. You'll have to give us a 50% discount for that."

They left the shop with a pretty pink and brown bag and an even prettier 60% discount. "I might have to ask Robin about those cashews sometime. It kinda started out our nowhere," she thought out loud.

"Yeah, total mystery," her grumpy companion agreed, while she pulled him towards the men's clothing shop and past a model train shop and a coin collectors shop. Honestly what kind of grown ass adult would collect shit like that? Not only was that boring, but also pointless as fuck, since they could collect something actually useful, like maps or real money.

She should have known that things have gone way too smoothly so far. Should have known that he'd be no better than his two year old daughter, throwing a tantrum if you put him in clothes that he didn't like. Roronoa fucking Zoro fucking _whined_ because his shirt was too tight across the chest and his pants too tight around the thighs and fucking hell. "If Sanji can wear dress pants so can you, you fucking baby, he fights with those."

"Curly is a fucking twig!" He barked from the changing room and yeah, she couldn't really argue with that… Obviously he wasn't, but compared to him… "well not everyone can be a fucking gorilla, now man up for fuck's sake, you know this is for Robin."

And just like that the big bad pirate caved, eternally grateful that she was there to save his relationship… He left the changing room still grumbling and she felt like zapping him. Nothing was too tight. Everything fit him fucking perfectly and she kinda hated how good he looked in a suit, mainly because she fucking _knew_ he had no idea how to use that to his advantage. "You know the rules, triple debt if you flex."

"Yeah yeah, whatever, witch. Let's just get this over with."

She huffed. "Thank you dear Nami for saving my marriage, I'd be utterly ruined if it weren't for you, is that what you meant?"

With a whirl she decided to ignore the tick on his forehead and take his lack of insults as a yes. The starry eyed cashier girl was nice enough to put his old rags in a bag and if he wasn't the neanderthal he was and had given her a nice warm smile or even just a not scowling glance, Nami was sure the girl would have given them a nice 70% discount instead of this very disappointing 40%. Damn bastard.

Seven steps. They didn't get further than that. Oh no. Oh no no no. This couldn't be, not today. Not now. It was too late to maneuver him another way, he'd already stopped in his tracks. "Law?"

Oh fuck, please don't fight. Sure Law isn't usually the idiot's type with his devil fruit and all but he does carry a sword and it's been ages since they'd gotten into a fight. What the fuck was he still doing in this part of the world anyways? But maybe he wouldn't notice them? Nope. Her thoughts must have jinxed it, because just as the thought had made its way through her synapses he turned and she wasn't sure if she had a right to be pissed that he just literally overlooked her and instead instantly zeroed in on Zoro behind her. Fucking bastard, she could electrocute him just like that! Something flittered over his but face she couldn't quite place it. What the fuck had happened between the two? A slight nod and the surgeon turned to leave and she really should be glad that nothing suit shredding had occurred, but something was seriously off about this meeting.

"You know what? You're probably right. And with Law around you better get us a room too, because if Luffy finds them there'll be a party on Sunny and I'll spend the night drinking instead of with Robin," Zoro grunted and she turned to him. She had to, only to see if it was still him… Law hadn't switched him with someone has he? No, who else would know?

"What the fuck are you trying to pull here?" She asked jabbing a finger in his chest even though she couldn't quite believe him to be capable of scheming anything… He just couldn't, could he?

"Nothing, just be happy I'm going along with that bullshit," he grumbled.

Sure he had a point… He was a hopeless drunk after all… But where did that come from? Oh, oh that couldn't be could it? Oh this was just… She couldn't help the chuckle.

"You wouldn't feel threatened by good old Torao, would you? I mean he _was_ quite transfixed with her dancing during Tori's birthday party," she teased, hoping he'd give her something. She- She wouldn't do that if she thought there was an actual danger to that marriage. No matter how much she talked about them needing more romance, she knew that Robin would never leave him. She fell in love with the idiot even though she'd lived with him before he'd learned how to use a shower. If _that_ hadn't kept her from him nothing could come between them now. And maybe probably, because the dumbass had helped heal her quite a lot she supposed. So it was just fair to make fun of him now, wasn't it? Fair maybe, fun? Nope. He didn't even flinch. Just laughed that loud laugh of his, tousled her hair and left her standing there with a nonchalant "Nope, not at all."

If she hadn't known something was wrong when he'd suddenly acquiesced with her date plans for him and his wife, now there was no doubt left. Motherfucker went in the _right _fucking direction. What the fuck?

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**Well, I hope you enjoyed that! In case you haven't read Shoganai, the mystery about the cashews is finally solved. Or is it? What was up with those? Someone should ask them sometime...**

**Does this reaction sound familiar? My Beta and friend, SomethingGhosty, who I'm eternally grateful to for betareading (You should, too), do this all the time, "kokoro-ing" things.**

**Anyway, drop me a kudos and/or a comment if you enjoyed this. My next update will be chapter 10 of the Cockatoo Chronicles next week, you know, because Nami's suffering isn't quite over yet... babysitting is in order.**


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